


Self-Deception

by lala_pipo



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M, Porn With Plot, Some Fluff, Some angst, Some unrequited love, some nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 05:04:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10181294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lala_pipo/pseuds/lala_pipo
Summary: Do you miss me?Jonghyun looked down at the display of his cell phone as he lay in bed, his naked body resting beneath cozy, soft sheets. A huff left his lips as he ruffled his hair and stared blankly at the words in front of him.Do you miss me? Of course he did, every single day for almost two years. It was one of Kibum’s little mind games, and even though Jonghyun was quite aware of it the words still made him wonder whether he’d ever become more to the other again than a comforting little fuck whenever Kibum felt betrayed by the world.





	

                                                                   

 

 

_Do you miss me?_

 

Jonghyun looked down at the display of his cell phone as he lay in bed, his naked body resting beneath cozy, soft sheets. A huff left his lips as he ruffled his hair and stared blankly at the words in front of him.

 

Do you miss me? Of course he did, every single day for almost two years. It was one of Kibum’s little mind games, and even though Jonghyun was quite aware of it the words still made him wonder whether he’d ever become more to the other again than a comforting little fuck whenever Kibum felt betrayed by the world.

 

They had dated on and off for about a year, their characters and life goals too different to make their relationship last. Kibum had ended it and Jonghyun had been the one left suffering. _‘I need more from life than this_ ’ had been Kibum’s hollow break up phrase and Jonghyun had accepted it without a word, silently breaking inside.

 

The first time they had slept with each other after the final breakup had been after Kibum had been refused a leading position in the company he worked for in favor of someone else. He had stood in front of Jonghyun’s apartment door looking like a drowned rat that night, hair and clothes wet from rain.

 

Kibum had whined about feeling treated unfairly and Jonghyun had listened patiently while stroking his back.

 

They had drunk and then they had kissed, had taken off their clothes on the way to Jonghyun’s bedroom, mouths colliding messily, moaning each other’s names soon afterwards.

 

The next morning Jonghyun had thought that things might get back to normal, and that they would meet again as lovers but Kibum hadn’t even bothered to reply to his message regarding a simple meet up for a cup of coffee.

 

Soon Jonghyun had noticed a pattern in Kibum’s sporadic nightly visits, but he had been in too deep at this point to put a stop to it.

 

If Kibum had trouble at work, Jonghyun would end up on all fours, the other behind him, slapping his butt vigorously while pounding into him with a force that made Jonghyun lose all his strength.

 

If Kibum had money problems and couldn’t pay his rent, because he rather spent his wages on buying things he didn’t need, Jonghyun would end up in his lap, bodies close, lips attached to each other, hands roaming heated skin in search for desperately needed release.

 

If Kibum had freshly broken up with a love interest Jonghyun didn’t even know had existed, Jonghyun would lie between Kibum’s legs, softly caressing his lips with his own, rocking into him in slow motion, enjoying every minute he had to watch the other’s delicate body yearningly sprawled out on the sheets beneath him, and telling him how beautiful he was.

 

Their intimate relationship was poisonous, but Jonghyun couldn’t end it, it was like a plaster one didn’t want to pull because of the pain that followed.

 

Sometimes weeks passed without a word from Kibum.

 

Weeks in which Jonghyun thought he might be able to finally move on, to finally live his life without the other constantly occupying his mind.

 

It never worked.

 

Because whenever he thought he had managed to move on – _Kibum came back._

The messages came out of nowhere. They were simple, short, and cut right into Jonghyun’s heart.

 

_I’m thinking about you._

_I want to hug you._

_Can you send me a picture of yourself?_

_I want to run my hand through your hair._

_Do you still think I’m pretty?_

_I thought about you while masturbating._

_Can I come over?_

Jonghyun could never say no to Kibum and the other knew that. He knew he could come back whenever he wanted, and that Jonghyun would always be there, waiting for him.

 

In those two years Jonghyun had only dated one other man for around a month. A month in which Kibum had been lost in no-man’s-land again.

 

The man had been sweet, genuine and had really cared for Jonghyun, but all that hadn’t mattered in the end, because a single message saying ‘ _I’m not feeling well, can you stop by?_ ’ in the middle of the night had caused Jonghyun to leave the man’s place and drive to Kibum, his lips engulfing the other’s erection without wasting a single thought about the man he had just left behind.

 

He had never seen that man again.

 

His behavior was considered stupid by acquaintances, obsessive by friends, but hopeful by Jonghyun himself.

 

The unwavering hope that one day Kibum would come back to him, realizing that they belonged together despite their differences.

 

Was this a delusional wish? Maybe. But was Jonghyun willing to give up on Kibum because of that? No.

 

_I do miss you._

As Jonghyun sent the reply his gaze wandered up to the dark ceiling, fingers gripping his cell phone tightly. Six weeks since Kibum’s last message and instead of asking where he had been Jonghyun only told the other the obvious.

 

_Want me to come over?_

Sometimes Kibum formulated his wishes as questions as to give the other a choice, but in reality Jonghyun knew that he would come over no matter the reply.

 

_I need to get up at 7._

 

It was not like Jonghyun didn’t try, but his spirit was weak and his flesh was all too willing. He savored every moment he could spend with Kibum no matter the consequences. It almost felt like an addiction, and whenever Kibum wasn’t around Jonghyun went cold turkey.

 

_20 minutes._

A quick look to the corner of his cell phone screen told him that it was past midnight already, a storm raging outside, lightning illuminating the darkness of his room every few seconds.

 

With a sigh he got up from his bed to take a quick shower, a ritual he had developed over time.

 

A way of cleansing himself before bathing in a tub of sin.

 

When the doorbell rang later his feet felt heavy, only hardly carrying him over to the front door.

 

Kibum looked like a wreck; deep dark circles beneath his eyes, skin looking ashy, dress shirt creased.

 

“Can I take a shower?”

 

It wasn’t for Kibum to say his greetings first, he always got straight to the point, leaving Jonghyun no time to adjust.

 

“Sure.”

 

Jonghyun stepped aside to let the other get in, his previously naked body now dressed in an oversized gray hoodie and white boxer shorts.

 

“Can you come with me?”

 

Kibum looked over his shoulder as he went straight to the bathroom after he had taken off his shoes at the entrance, already opening the buttons on his shirt. Jonghyun followed in silence, his bath still steamy from the shower he had taken only minutes before. He sat down on the closed toilet lid and watched Kibum get undressed, eyes imperceptibly widening as he saw fading bruises covering the other’s hips and shoulders.

 

“What happened?”

 

For a short moment Kibum glanced down at his own body before he opened his jeans and pulled them down his legs.

 

“Got into a little fight a week ago…it’s nothing to worry about.”

 

He shrugged and stepped out of his boxers, flinging them aside with the tip of his right foot. As Kibum stood there in the middle of the small bathroom, naked as the day he was born, all Jonghyun wanted to know was why Kibum was here this time.

 

But he didn’t ask.

 

He stayed quiet and watched the other step under the shower head, closing the clear glass door behind him. They didn’t talk at first, Jonghyun sitting still on the toilet lid, listening to the steady prattling sound of water driblets falling onto Kibum’s body, studying the water as it rolled down the other’s pale back before it fell down from the nicely curved butt, vanishing in the vortex of the drain.

 

“I got fired.”

 

The sentence fell so casually from Kibum’s lips that Jonghyun at first wasn’t sure if he had heard it correctly.

 

“Staff cuts.”

 

Jonghyun looked up then, eyes fixing on the other’s narrow shoulders.

 

“I’m so sorry, Kibum.”

 

Jonghyun moved to the edge of his seat, hands neatly placed on his knees. Kibum had worked so hard to get this position, had overcome every obstacle and now they had laid him off just like that?

 

“Those frigid assholes.”

 

Kibum punched the wall in front of him with his fist all of a sudden and Jonghyun saw his body start to shake uncontrollably, shoulders slouching.

 

“I worked my fucking balls off for them.”

 

Another loud punch followed, the sound making Jonghyun flinch in surprise. Kibum had a very short temper and if he felt wronged he had the tendency to throw a tantrum. Jonghyun knew it all too well. With a sigh he pulled his hoodie over his head, and took off his boxers, following the other into the shower, closing his arms around him from behind.

 

“Don’t give a flying fuck about them. They don’t know your worth. You will find something better in no time,” Jonghyun whispered and pressed kisses into Kibum’s nape, stroking his flat stomach with his hands.

 

Kibum stayed silent, his head sinking against the tiled wall in front of him, water dripping down his black bangs. Jonghyun leaned his cheek against the other’s shoulder, closing his eyes as water fell onto his forehead, listening to the steady stream of falling water drops.

 

“You are great, Kibum. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” Jonghyun murmured absentmindedly against the other’s wet skin, trying to memorize the feeling of Kibum so close to him. Water clogged his ears, the background noise fading into a throbbing, hollow sound.

 

As a hand found its way to his butt and pulled him closer, Jonghyun’s cock automatically stirred, blood rushing down between his legs.

 

“Say that again.”

 

Kibum’s voice was not more than a whisper, his back arching slightly, a low grunt leaving Jonghyun’s lips as his cock nestled against the wet cleft between the other’s buttocks in the process.

 

“You are great, Kibum. Don’t let anyone –“

 

Jonghyun paused midsentence when the other turned around to face him. Kibum was taller – not much – but enough for Jonghyun to slightly gaze up at him, his eyes meeting the other’s feline ones. A hand cupped his face, fingernails lightly scratching along his jawline.

 

“Fuck those stupid assholes.”

 

Kibum’s words were harsh, not quite fitting for the delicacy of his mouth.

 

“Fuck them all,” Jonghyun agreed quietly, hands wandering down Kibum’s sides, thumbs digging into the subtle immersion beneath the other’s hip bones. He slowly sank down onto his knees when Kibum’s hand started to push him down his body, the look in his eyes hard and unwavering.

 

The tiles felt cold under his knees as he settled down onto them, eyes following a trickle of water running through Kibum’s dark curls of pubic hair and along his flaccid dick, dropping down to the ground from the tip.

 

“Suck me.”

 

Jonghyun was pushed closer then, his mouth a mere inch away from Kibum’s private parts. A classical blood penis one would say, small, wrinkly and unremarkable in its non-erect state, the foreskin only reaching up to the crown, causing the glans to be completely exposed to its surroundings.

 

He took him all in, loving the feeling of the still soft flesh inside his mouth. Jonghyun hollowed his mouth slightly to give a soft suck, the tip of his tongue lavishly licking at the glans, the essence of Kibum’s taste diluted by the water trickling down along his cock and into Jonghyun’s mouth. There was an immediate reaction as the tissue started to stretch between his lips, the cock slowly swelling up. To Jonghyun it was always an incredible experience to feel something come to life inside his mouth, and he placed his hands onto Kibum’s thighs, lips pulling back to let the other’s dick slip out, only to angle for it again with his tongue seconds later.

 

“Always so eager.”

 

There was a faint grin on Kibum’s lips when Jonghyun looked up at him, a finger lazily stroking along the bridge of Jonghyun’s nose.

 

“Always so responsive,” Jonghyun replied cheekily as his lips slipped off again, hand grabbing the base, giving it a few teasingly slow strokes. The grin around Kibum’s lips visibly widened, and it made Jonghyun feel weirdly accomplished. Raising even the tiniest smile from the other caused Jonghyun’s chest to fill with pride, the delusion of a shared future popping up in the back of his head again.

 

He only wanted to make Kibum happy, even if that meant that he himself was unhappy.

 

It didn’t take long for them to move their little foreplay from the bathroom to Jonghyun’s bed, the smaller one of them winding his body impatiently on the mattress as Kibum lay between his spread legs, nose brushing against his balls as the tip of his tongue dipped inside his little, twitching hole.

 

“Do you want me inside of you, Jonghyun?”

 

Kibum asked teasingly, breath ghosting over the sensitive skin between Jonghyun’s buttocks, fingers spreading him wider apart, the pad of his thumb pressing faintly at his entrance, a moan leaving Jonghyun’s lips at the hints of intrusion.

 

“ _Kibum_ ,” Jonghyun whined in response, his body way too overstimulated by now to endure the other’s teasing for much longer.

 

Kibum had spent what had felt like an eternity between his thighs, sucking him, stroking him, rimming him, fingering him, a puddle of precum pooling on his lower stomach where his cock lay against; red and swollen, skin glistening from the other’s spit, twitching under every sensation Kibum induced.

 

“Say it.”

 

The commanding tone in Kibum’s voice made Jonghyun bit his bottom lip, fingers clawing into the softness of his sheets.

 

“ _Please –_ I want you inside of me.”

 

It sounded almost like a desperate plea, Jonghyun’s cheeks flushing in embarrassment. He knew that his craving for the other’s body, for the other’s attention was beyond unhealthy, but he couldn’t let go, the sensations inflicted on him too addictive. He wanted the other just too much.

 

“Want me to fuck you good, Jonghyun?

 

Kibum was suddenly on eye-level again, his still damp hair sticking out into all directions from being toweled earlier. His gaze was intense and Jonghyun felt his heart pound frantically in his chest, hands grabbing the other by the neck to pull him down for a sloppy kiss. A strained moan left his lips as Kibum bit his bottom lip and he arched his back, his erection painfully rubbing against the other’s.

 

“ _Kibum_ ,” he mumbled against a pair of soft lips, his fingers clinging to dark strands of hair.

 

“Yes?”

 

Jonghyun felt Kibum smile against him before his lips wandered down to his neck, sucking on the skin using his teeth. Jonghyun’s eyes fell shut in return, a loud moan leaving his mouth, fingernails scratching at the other’s scalp.

 

“Stop teasing.”

 

There was a light chuckle and in the next moment Jonghyun tensed, a strained sound leaving him as Kibum guided his cock to his entrance, pushing against the tight ring of muscles.

 

“ _God_ – You are so hot.”

 

When Jonghyun opened his eyes again, he looked straight up at the other who mimicked his action, lips slightly parted, halting in his movement when he was halfway in.

 

Kibum’s words always worked like a spell on Jonghyun and obscured his thoughts. When he was with the other he felt like a god – the smallest compliment tasting like ambrosia on his tongue.

 

“Jonghyun?”

 

His voice was low, lips hovering above Jonghyun’s ear, the breath running in hot waves over his shell, making him shudder. There was a mere hum coming from Jonghyun who pressed his pelvis closer to Kibum, craved for him to start moving, yearned for the feeling of being completely full.

 

“How many guys have _fucked_ you since the last time I’ve been here?”

 

He then pulled out a little again as to tease, a distressed sound escaping Jonghyun’s mouth, which made Kibum chuckle throatily.

 

“None.”

 

It was an honest answer, but a stupid one.

 

“Is that so?”

 

The question came out sounding almost mockingly, the tip of Kibum’s tongue lapping at Jonghyun’s earlobe, running along the piercings in his ear.

 

Talking in bed had always been some sort of second foreplay to Kibum, and Jonghyun had often wondered if it was the talking or the friction that got the other off in the end. Kibum was an observant listener and an even better talker, lulling his counterpart into believing anything he said.

 

A long constricted moan left Jonghyun’s lips as Kibum completely dived into him all of a sudden, teeth pulling at the soft skin of his ear.

 

“Only want my dick in your little ass?”

 

Jonghyun’s head spun, body moving over the mattress with every push of the other’s hips. The feeling was divine.

 

“ _Yes_.”

 

He had always trouble to form coherent sentences during sex, his mind becoming a dizzy place as soon as Kibum started to rock into him, his hips moving in such a delicate fashion that it was hypnotizing.

 

“Yes what?”

 

Jonghyun was a pawn in a game of chess and Kibum his king, moving him around the board at will.

 

“I only want you – to fuck me.”

 

Kibum looked pleased by the answer, fingers stroking some strands of wet hair out of Jonghyun’s face before he kissed him; long and messily.

 

Despite the neglect of his cock it still stood erect and proud, every push of the other’s hips making it seem like it became even harder. Jonghyun wanted to touch himself so badly, wanted to find release, but he also enjoyed the sweet pain of suffering in his loins, the buildup of tension in his abdomen.

 

When Jonghyun ended up on all fours a little later and felt the pleasurable pain of being slapped across his buttocks, the lashing sound vibrating from the walls, he started jerking himself off, his strokes as relentless and fast as the thrusts of Kibum’s pelvis. 

 

“God, your tiny ass is just glorious. Look how you suck me into you.”

 

For a moment Kibum paused in this movements and Jonghyun glanced over his shoulder, panting heavily. Kibum was staring down at his ass, hands placed on the buttocks, spreading them apart. Jonghyun licked his lips as the other slowly pulled out until only the head was still inside.

 

“You are such a cock slut.”

 

He grinned down at Jonghyun’s ass as he pushed back in one swift motion, the red color on Jonghyun’s cheeks deepening as Kibum slapped them again.

 

Being vulgar in bed and humiliating the other with words was Kibum’s way of showing dominance, to demonstrate his power. He wanted to be in control of something, if not his job then at least Jonghyun. This realization had come to him after spending several sleepless nights with analyzing Kibum’s behavior, and the reason for the other’s sudden switch in character whenever they had sex with each other.

 

Jonghyun came painfully hard when Kibum started to thrust into him again, his head sinking between his shoulders as he rode out his orgasm with loud groans, sensation after sensation rippling through his body, his semen ruining his freshly put on sheets.

 

Kibum pushed even harder into him then, the burning feeling in his abdomen making Jonghyun frown. When he couldn’t hold himself up anymore he let his upper body sink down to the mattress, only his butt still sticking up in the air for the other’s entertainment. He felt Kibum come inside him a little later, felt the heat spreading in his lower body, Kibum’s fingers gripping Jonghyun’s hips painfully tight, leaving deep red colored half moons behind.

 

He slumped down onto Jonghyun’s body then, his nose nestling into the other’s hair, his breathing labored.

 

“You are so beautiful, Jonghyun,” Kibum murmured with a hum, shifting a little above the other’s body. Jonghyun could feel the other’s dick slowly softening inside his body, Kibum’s weight pressing him uncomfortably into the bed.

 

Even though Jonghyun felt like he was buried alive he enjoyed the minutes after having sex with Kibum the most, because for a few moments Kibum took off his mask of seeping confidence and was just himself, the man he had originally fallen in love with. He took a deep, long breath when the other pulled out and lay next to him, two long arms pulling Jonghyun closer, a pair of lips pressing a kiss against the back of his head.

 

“I’ll give you ten minutes before we go for round two,” Kibum whispered, fingers feathery circling Jonghyun’s nipples.

 

When Jonghyun woke up the next morning it was past ten – meaning that he was late for work by one hour. With a groan he turned away from his alarm clock he hadn’t set, only to find the other side of his bed empty.

 

It was always the same, after a moment of utter bliss he had to face the cruelty of reality again. His body was sore and he called in sick, because he rather stayed in his dirty stained sheets for the day than be surrounded by people with fake smiles on their lips, flaunting their happy lives and relationships during lunch break.

 

He had already anticipated it, but there was always a spark of hope in his chest that believed that Kibum would still be there when he woke up.

 

It was another delusion. Jonghyun knew the truth, but he still lied to himself over and over again, telling himself that Kibum would change, that he could make him change. That Kibum only needed time to see Jonghyun’s real worth.

 

⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕

 

After their last night together Kibum didn’t get in touch with Jonghyun for almost a year. He didn’t reply to any messages, didn’t pick up his phone when Jonghyun tried to call, and he also didn’t answer his door when Jonghyun was so desperate for any sign of life that he showed up at his door step every day for several weeks.

 

He could have been dead, he could have moved to another country, he could have fathered children and be married for all he knew.

 

Jonghyun had so many questions and none of them got answered, his heart feeling heavier with every passing day.

 

Somewhere between being emotionally exhausted from all his late-night crying and the realization that he might never hear from Kibum again, Jonghyun eventually stopped caring.

 

His mind a fruitless desert without life.

 

After getting terribly drunk one night at a club and getting fucked by some random stranger on a toilet, he realized that he couldn’t live like this anymore.

 

The life he led slowly but surely destroyed him, sucking every ounce of his remaining optimism out of him like a parasite.

 

In the end he took the last chance he got before he felt like he was going completely insane, grabbed the final straw and decided to move on with his life.

 

The first thing he did was to delete Kibum’s number from his phone, and then stopped visiting the other’s apartment.

 

Instead of clinging to something that was never his, he decided to focus on his own life, his own happiness for once.

 

He fell in love with a new colleague from work at the six month mark of not seeing Kibum.

 

The guy’s name was Taemin and he was sweet and playful, always cheering him up with sweet pastry he bought when Jonghyun looked cranky. He was a few years younger than Jonghyun and he enjoyed the other’s light-heartedness, the sweet twinkling in his eyes whenever he talked about something he was passionate about, the optimism he held in his heart.  

 

Taemin was a good change – a _needed_ change.

 

For once Jonghyun felt like he was appreciated and loved as a person and not just as a body that could be bent and twisted at will. Nightly visits for aggressive sex were replaced by cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, and vulgar language and hurtful slapping were replaced by sweet whispers in the morning and gentle massages after a hard day at work.

 

After dating for four months Jonghyun was sure that Taemin was the right one for him. He had literally bloomed up in the other’s care, both of them joining a squash class where they dueled after work for fun, and going out on hikes to discover the countryside outside the city during the weekend. Jonghyun had never liked spending time outside his own four walls, but with Taemin by his side the whole world seemed like an exciting adventure and Jonghyun prayed to all existing gods every night, wishing that no one would try to take this happiness away from him ever again.

 

However, luck wasn’t on his side.

 

⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕

 

The first message came when he was out eating at a traditional restaurant with Taemin, both sitting on tatami mats in front of a low table, Taemin roasting some thinly sliced stripes of pork over a small installed barbecue in the middle of the table in complete dedication. 

 

_I miss you._

Even though the message was from an unknown number Jonghyun knew who had sent it right away. He deleted it without giving it a second thought, a warm smile appearing on his lips as he watched Taemin lick his lips while he hungrily stared at the stripes of pork that sizzled on the barbecue in front of him.

 

The second message came while he was at work, pondering over a not working code he had programed.

 

_Are you okay?_

 

He looked at the message for several seconds and then deleted it with a push of his thumb when Taemin popped his head over the white plastic wall of his working booth, informing him excitedly that the game app he had worked on for months had finally been approved and would be released in a month. They celebrated Taemin’s success with good wine and Italian food in the evening, landing in Jonghyun’s bed naked, giggling, and drunk on love, with their cheeks tinted pink from drinking too much wine.

 

Jonghyun had already forgotten the second message when he received the third one a week later while sitting on the toilet, playing games on his cell phone.

 

_Can I come over?_

With a sigh he looked up from his phone, eyes wandering over to his empty shower. All of a sudden he remembered the last time Kibum had stood beneath the shower head, fist hitting the wall, looking vulnerable and frail after being laid off at work. He shook his head then and deleted the message, trying not think about it too much.

 

He had Taemin now and he wouldn’t risk losing him for someone who came and went as he pleased, leaving Jonghyun behind in pain every single time.

 

Jonghyun received the fifth message in the evening of the same day while Taemin covered his chest in sweet syrup before licking it all up with his tongue, the message ignored until the next morning when Jonghyun woke up to check the time, Taemin still sound asleep next to him, snoring lightly.

 

_Jonghyun, I really need to see you. I’m sorry. Please._

Kibum had never apologized for anything nor had Jonghyun ever heard him use the word _please_ while talking to him. For the first time Jonghyun actually did care about the message, cursing Kibum for writing it, for wanting to start this vicious circle he so desperately had tried to escape all over again. He pressed his fingers down on the bridge of his nose, eyes sliding to the naked body next to him.

 

Taemin was so precious; soft and gentle, a little clumsy and forgetful at times. Just the other day he had wanted to surprise Jonghyun by doing his laundry, all his white dress shirts coming out in a subtle shade of rose pink after a red sock had found its way into the pile of dirty clothes. Taemin had felt so apologetic for the rest of the day, saying _‘I’m so sorry’_ over and over again with this little cute pout he often showed whenever he wasn’t happy with something. Jonghyun hadn’t minded the discolored shirts one bit, because despite the unsuccessful outcome he still had appreciated the gesture, hand running through Taemin’s soft black hair, and pulling him closer to kiss that little pout away.

 

Taemin showed him that relationships weren’t about dominance, but about trust. That it wasn’t all about sex, but about being there for each other.

 

With a sigh Jonghyun clicked the delete button once again and placed his cell phone back onto his nightstand. He shifted closer to Taemin then, fingers gliding over his shoulder and down his back until they reached the soft curve of the other’s butt, a small smile appearing on Jonghyun’s lips when Taemin’s eyes fluttered open, looking at him all sleepy, the expression in the other’s face making Jonghyun’s chest almost burst in adoration.

 

⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕⮕

 

Jonghyun thought nothing of it when the doorbell rang at nine in the evening a few days later, his head bedded in Taemin’s lap as the other caressed his hair, both of them watching a horror movie.

 

All the more shocked he was when he opened the door and saw Kibum standing in front of it. By reflex he smashed the door right back into the other’s face, at first not noticing that he had started shaking.

 

“Who was it?”

 

“No one,” Jonghyun answered simply when he came back to the couch and sat down, his heart beating unhealthily fast in his ribcage. When the doorbell rang again, Jonghyun shut his eyes, and tried to blend out the noise, but it was hopeless.

 

The noise didn’t stop.

 

The doorbell was pressed over and over again until Taemin was about to get up, Jonghyun getting a hold of his wrist before he could leave.

 

“Don’t. I’ll get it,” was all he mumbled before standing up on shaky legs, his feet only reluctantly carrying him over to the door.

 

“Please leave.”

 

He didn’t look up when he said that, door ajar, his body hiding almost completely behind it.

 

“I wrote you. Didn’t you get my messages?”

 

Jonghyun’s eyes were fixed on Kibum’s leather shoes, the material brightly polished. They looked new.

 

“I did.”

 

“Why didn’t you reply?”

 

“Because I didn’t want to.”

 

There was a moment of silence, Jonghyun’s fingers gripping tightly onto the door. Why was he back? Why now? Why not when he had cried himself to sleep every night while thinking about him?

 

“Jonghyun, I’m sorry. _I_ – I miss you.”

 

Jonghyun’s lips pulled into a thin line and when he heard footsteps coming closer he looked over his shoulder, seeing Taemin dressed in his oversized white sweater and his pajama pants with comic print.

 

“Who is it?”

 

“It’s really no one. I’ll come back in a minute,” Jonghyun tried to convince the other, but Taemin only frowned, coming up to the door to take a look outside. He blinked a few times before he nodded his head silently as to greet, darting a questioning glance at Jonghyun.

 

“Is he the reason why you are not replying to my messages?”

 

Kibum acted like Taemin wasn’t even present, and Jonghyun bit his tongue, taking a deep breath.

 

“Yes, he is.”

 

He said and looked up for the first time, trying to withstand the other’s intense gaze, the gaze that used to make him weak in the knees, but now made him feel nauseous. Kibum looked healthy, having nothing in common with the wrecked man who had visited him months ago. For a short moment he wondered what the other had been up to all this time, why he had never contacted him again.

 

“But – “

 

There was a pause and Kibum licked his lips, Jonghyun feeling Taemin shift behind him.

 

“Kibum, I love him.”

 

It came out naturally and Jonghyun felt Taemin’s fingers grab the hem of his T-shirt, a short look at the other telling him that Taemin was about to drown in confusion. Jonghyun had never told Taemin anything about Kibum.

 

It was a chapter in his past that he didn’t want to open ever again.

 

“But you loved me.”

 

When Jonghyun looked back at Kibum he saw something like hurt in the other’s eyes, causing him to swallow heavily.

 

“Yes, but you never loved me back, Kibum.”

 

He looked at Taemin once again, asking him without using any words if he could go back to watching TV. The other only nodded, hand stroking his side before he left, the sound of bare feet touching laminate reaching Jonghyun’s ears.

 

“I always loved you – I always did, I still do.”

 

The sentence made Jonghyun chuckle scornfully, and he shook his head, not really believing what the other had just dared to say. Kibum hadn’t even told him that he loved him while they were still dating, and Jonghyun wasn’t sure if Kibum knew how ridiculous these words made him sound like now.

 

“Kibum, stop lying. You never cared about me. Please, just leave now.”

 

With a sigh Jonghyun tried to close the door again, looking down in surprise when Kibum’s foot pressed itself between the door and the frame.

 

“Jonghyun – _please_ wait. I was in a very bad place, but I’m better now. I promise.”

 

Kibum leaned in then, causing Jonghyun to recoil immediately, eyes looking past the body in front of him and down the long corridor of the apartment building.

 

“It’s – it’s too late now. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. Use someone else as your door mat.”

 

His voice came out cold and he was proud of himself, because at least for once in his life he told Kibum how he actually felt about the way he had treated him all this time.

 

“ _I_ – “

 

Jonghyun watched as the expression on Kibum’s face darkened, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, gaze lowering.

 

That was new.

 

The Kibum he knew didn’t do that.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m just really sorry for – everything. I – I didn’t want to make you feel like this. I’m sorry.”

 

With that he pulled his foot away from the door and turned around, Jonghyun looking after him with a blank expression. Only when he was gone he noticed how white his knuckles had turned from gripping the door too tightly; his palms cold and sweaty.

 

This encounter felt like a dream.

 

A nightmare he only wanted to wake up from.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

Taemin stood in the doorframe leading to the small living room, worry written all over his face.

 

“Yeah,” was all Jonghyun replied before he went over to the other and slung his arms around him to pull him into a tight hug, his lips placing a soft kiss to a spot beneath Taemin’s ear. “Everything is okay,” he repeated once again, wanting to reassure himself that everything was indeed – _okay_. There were questions bubbling up inside of him, wanting to be answered, but he pushed them all away, not wanting to waste another second of his life on someone as manipulative as Kibum.

 

He was gone now.

 

Hopefully forever.

 

“What was that all about?”

 

“A shadow from the past. It’s not – it’s not important, really.”

 

Jonghyun nuzzled his nose into Taemin’s hair, sensing the distinct smell of the almond shampoo the other liked to steal from him, because he thought it smelled better on him than on Jonghyun.

 

He was right about that. 

 

“Ex-boyfriend?”

 

Taemin’s hands slid beneath Jonghyun’s shirt then, fingers stroking along his sides with feathery touches, making Jonghyun shudder.

 

“Something like that,” he simply replied, not wanting to think about Kibum any longer. He had already wasted years on thinking about him. Useless thinking that never had led to anything except for an aching heart and a delusional mind.

 

“You are mine now – just so you know.”

 

He enjoyed the sweet sensation of Taemin’s breath wandering over the shell of his ear, the hair in his neck standing up, his shoulders rising a bit, a grin appearing on his lips as he nodded in agreement. He was Taemin’s now. Kibum was the past and Taemin the present – and hopefully the future as well – _his_ future.

 

“Need some distraction?” the younger asked then, leaning down a bit to place several kisses along Jonghyun’s neck, making the older smile inwardly.

 

“That tickles,” he chuckled lowly and tilted his head, Taemin’s hands gliding down to the waistband of his sweatpants. He appreciated the fact that Taemin trusted him enough to not ask further questions, and accepted that Jonghyun didn’t want to talk about it. There was a mutual understanding between them that made words unnecessary. It had been there from the start, something he valued over everything else.

 

“I won’t probe, I just want to let you know I’m there – if you want to talk.”

 

There were more little kisses plastered over Jonghyun’s neck as Taemin’s hands slid beneath the fabric of the other’s sweatpants, two small hands running their fingers over Jonghyun’s butt while the younger one gently pushed Jonghyun into the direction of the bedroom. The older one looked for Taemin’s mouth in response, his hands stroking the other’s cheeks, teeth nibbling on a plush bottom lip.

 

When Taemin settled down naked in Jonghyun’s lap after they had been fooling around the bed for a while, kissing and touching each other until both of them were so worked up that they needed to feel one another wholeheartedly, Jonghyun marveled at the other’s beauty, not really believing how lucky he was.

 

If it wasn’t for Taemin, Jonghyun would most likely still be a moping mess, grieving about someone who had never appreciated him or his feelings.

 

“You are so beautiful, Tae.”

 

He pulled a strand of hair behind Taemin’s ear, holding him close in his arms while the other slowly moved his hips, hands resting on Jonghyun’s shoulders.

 

“And you are such a sap.”

 

The reply made Jonghyun chuckle lowly and seconds later he was pushed down to the mattress beneath them, the younger gradually finding a steadier rhythm, head falling back and his hands roaming Jonghyun’s stomach aimlessly.

 

Taemin was indeed very beautiful. He still looked so innocent as if he hadn’t encountered the cruelty of life yet. However, the innocence was only in his looks; Jonghyun had realized that quite quickly when Taemin had made his not so innocent advances on him during a drinking bout with colleagues, one of his hands stroking his inner thigh for the better part of the night, but this was beside the point. When he looked at Taemin all he saw was love…honest and sincere love.

 

A look he had desperately hoped to see for years. A look he had pretended to see in Kibum’s eyes, only to wake up repeatedly to the realization that he had been abandoned like a broken toy once again.

 

“Tae,” Jonghyun panted, breath faltering, fingernails scratching the other’s pale thighs.

 

“ _Uhnngh_.”

 

Taemin looked down at him, eyes hooded, lips parted, one hand around his erection, and the other placed on Jonghyun’s stomach.

 

“Let’s move in together,” he exhaled, strained, his abdomen twitching, the heat around him almost getting too much.

 

“Huh?”

 

The younger stopped in his movements abruptly, his ribcage heaving rapidly.

 

“Let’s move in together – to a new place.”

 

Jonghyun explained, bucking his hips up to signalize Taemin to start moving again, another moan falling from the younger one’s lips.

 

“Can – can we discuss that after I’ve cum?”

 

A light snicker escaped Jonghyun’s lips at the comment, hips thrusting against the other, causing Taemin to bite his lip, his hand starting to jerk himself off again.

 

Jonghyun didn’t last much longer under Taemin’s rocking motion, the view and the friction too much for his mind and his cock. He came unannounced, gripping Taemin’s hips to hold him still, bucking up from underneath to ride out his orgasm, eyes falling shut, his whole body shuddering.

 

When he spilled the last drops into the condom he loosened the hold on Taemin’s hips, hands slipping lifelessly onto the bed. For a moment Jonghyun zooned out, feeling exhausted and drained from all energy, but when he opened his eyes again to look at the other, he saw him rise up from his cock, pulling the condom off, and sealing it with a knot before throwing it into a small bin next to the bed. There was not much time for Jonghyun to rest as Taemin climbed over him again, his lean body hovering over his chest.

 

“I really want to cum, _Jong_. Can you help me with that?”

 

His voice sounded innocent and sugary sweet, but his pose was anything but that. Taemin held his cock in one hand, the tip grazing Jonghyun’s bottom lip while the other held onto the head rest, a cocky smirk tucking at the corner of his lips. Without answering verbally Jonghyun stuck his tongue out to lick the head of Taemin’s erection, tasting a tangy bitterness, the smile on the other’s face only widening. He leaned forward a bit, pressing his cock against Jonghyun’s full lips until he opened his mouth, engulfing him eagerly.

 

“Such a nice view,” Taemin breathed, pushing his hips slightly forward to make his dick disappear even further. Meanwhile Jonghyun’s hands went up to Taemin’s butt, holding the small round globes, the fingers of one hand purposefully going down to the already stretched hole, feeling the wetness of the lubrication smeared around it. He teasingly pushed one finger inside, a satisfied hum leaving Taemin’s mouth in return. A second one soon followed, Taemin’s pelvis bucking forward, making the older one almost choke on his erection.

 

“Sorry,” Taemin panted when Jonghyun sent him a warning look, head hanging between his shoulders, teeth nibbling on his lips. Taemin’s free hand found its way into Jonghyun’s hair, pulling slightly at it as he pushed his hips against the other’s mouth in a steady rhythm, the older holding onto his stomach to prevent the other of suffocating him again.

 

A few brushes of Jonghyun’s fingers at the right spots had turned Taemin quickly into a quivering mess and he moaned so loudly that probably even the neighbors could hear him through the walls.

 

“God Jong,” he breathed irregularly, fingernails scraping at the wood of the head rest. “So good.”

 

Seconds before he came he pulled out of Jonghyun’s mouth and jacked himself of hectically, looking down at the other’s face as white substance spurted out of him, landing mostly on the other’s lips and cheeks. Taemin looked fucked, literally, hair clinging to his flushed cheeks and forehead, pupils blown up, chest covered in sweat and goosebumps. It was a very sensual sight to witness.

 

“Sorry about that,” Taemin mumbled apologetically but not really sounding like it, pointing at the mess in the other’s face and leaning over to the nightstand to grab some tissues from the upper drawer.

 

“I don’t mind, really. You looked extremely hot,” Jonghyun smiled and watched as Taemin cleaned him up with extreme precision.

 

“You think so?” Taemin grinned playfully, and threw the used tissues aside when he was finished, sliding down the other’s body to rest on him, fingers lazily drawing fine lines along Jonghyun’s cheeks.

 

“Very hot,” Jonghyun repeated and then slung his arms around the other’s waist, rolling them over so Taemin was lying on his back, his black hair framing his face beautifully. With a smile Taemin placed his arms around the older one’s neck, pulling him down so that their lips almost touched, the tip of his tongue darting out to tease the other’s upper lip before he leaned over to the other’s ear.

 

“You were really hot, too,” he whispered, almost sounding shy, putting a smile onto Jonghyun’s face who first nuzzled his neck and then playfully bit his shoulder, making Taemin chuckle. Slinging his long legs around Jonghyun’s hips and pulling him closer, the younger moved his head a bit to take a better look at him, his fingers combing through Jonghyun’s hair thoughtfully.

 

“What is it?” Jonghyun inquired, nudging the other’s nose with his.

 

“I just thought about how happy I am with you.”

 

These words felt like balm for Jonghyun’s maltreated soul, a warm feeling spreading inside of him as he leaned down to kiss Taemin, softly and gently, and his hands caressing his cheeks.

 

“I love you,” Jonghyun breathed quietly as he rested his forehead against Taemin’s, his eyes closed. 

 

“I love you, too,” came the softly spoken response followed by a peck pressed to the corner of Jonghyun’s lips. “And oh, by the way – that thing about moving in together – I’d really like that.”


End file.
